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| It always seems as though Christmas time is one that is hunky dory. However, (not to be jealous) you never get what you want, your friend always gets the latest greatest thing, and you're broke by the end. I know Christmas is much more than the gifts. It's about the gasoline smells in the air. It's about the screaming kids in the aisles. And it's about some bitch crying she didn't get what she wanted - join the club. But it's also about the family (what family, hah), and your loved ones (where'd they run to?), all celebrating this time of Jesus's birth. What happened that there was this rapid change of events from Jesus to Santa (BTW, the South Park rendition on this is amazing)? It soon turns into schools being out of session, and because the world somehow runs on the West, there are all of these made up holidays to get everyone involved (oh how we LOVE to involve everyone to be politically correct).
I swear, this holiday is purely stupid. Even Spring Break, which pulls some similar crap, is another commercialized holiday to make me feel crappy for not doing something for someone. We as Americans are so conceited and full of ourselves. I just wish we could lay back, get the day off, and then go back to our crappy lives on December the 26th...do the same for New Years. Also, New Years doesn't have this commercialization, first, probably because it's after we've emptied our wallets, and second, it's not based on a Christian holiday. Stupid Christians (even though I do affiliate myself with that group), AND we were crying about the JEWS taking over the world!
Seriously, get over Christmas, and things will fall into place. | | |
| I guess you could say I don't wanna live a quiet life. Do I want to be noticed? Of course. I want purpose. I want principle. I want a duty. A duty to this human kind. Why become an engineer? I like math. But I also like the attention. "I'm a free bitch, baby." I want to rise to the top, to be noticed. That's when I will feel accomplished. Last time I felt that was about a year and a half ago. Now I go off for a secondary education and find myself to be lazy, unmotivated. Not unmotivated, but lost. Lost in the activities that surround me and unsure where to take my next step. Should I fully dedicate my life to this career? Of course. But there are other portions that I would love to support. Industry doesn't want to see that. They want experience, experience, experience. So that's what I'm gunna get-experience. I'm gunna find a way to get it.
I thought the other day, "Serena, these opportunities are gunna pass you by whether or not you hop on the train." They will run you over, you won't even see them. Why not grab on for this ride we call life? Stop moping around and do something about it. I'm tired of bitching I don't have enough to do. I wanna change this world. I want to be recognized for changing the world. I want to be that person that I looked up to when I was younger. Why not get my PhD? It would be awesome to have 'Dr.' in front of my name. Why not work toward it? You live life once. Why not rise to the top?
Sure it's hard, but what else are you gunna do?
My advice, become an intellectual. As a person, you can explore everything this world has to offer. Look at all the men we look up to from the history books- physicists, engineers, mathematicians, theologians, philosophers-intellectuals. They had time for it, why don't we? Is it because we are driven by this greed and whatnot? Instead of sitting and reading and practicing, we are worried about what to wear to the next party. There is this need for an income simply in order to survive. But they came from a time when wealth was inherited- this is time when wealth is mainly earned. Were those intellectuals rich enough to become that way? Today, we have companies (instead of kings or queens) to invest in our interests, and we are virtually free to do what we want- or are we? | | |
| What's wrong with moving on? To look elsewhere in this world. To have enjoyable experiences without someone hovering over your back, or worse, in your conscious. I want to see things, explore things, learn things- but it's hard to do that at home. I come back and see the past. But I also See a future, a future without me. Life moves on whether you catch the train or not. Time doesn't stop, and neither should you. Shall we dwell in the past or move on? Don't tell me you don't want to because you would have done more to keep it from happening. (Wow it's almost midnight) I've found some fun, so excitement. But when will I really know if it's right? I won't until it's too late. Who really knows?
Everyone asks me- "How's college?" What am I supposed to say? "I get drunk off my ass every weekend, and I bang every cute guy around." Is that question a honest question, I don't think so. Then when I do say something that I think is interesting, I get this weird look like "How dare you?!" Basically I could say, I've been sitting on my ass, studying, having friend drama, and trying to have a good time. Is that good enough for you? Also I was asked if I found a church. Now I didn't really push off the idea, but I've found that people in church related groups are kinda psycho maniacs who try to stuff religion down your throat despite your actual feelings on a subject. Me, i just like to observe and make my own spiritual observations. All the drama is a reason I stayed away from the church, and I would rather be at peace with God in my own setting (I'm still trying to find that place). I rarely go back, and when I do, it's always questions about what you are doing and how you are doing it, and all of these glares like you are doing something wrong. Now I'm a perfectionist, and I also have a thing about having a good reputation. I have a good reputation, but when someone looks down on me because I haven't found a church (just because they became an alcoholic in college), it makes me feel kinda bad inside, making me want to run from the entire situation.
A lot of things back home just make me wanna run. But the fact that it's LA makes me want to come back and explore. But it's hard for me to take that first step, and really consider what is happening here. It's a complicated situation, and the fact that I don't have a car or a ton of friends makes it harder.
This was a really random blog, please excuse me. | | |
| Home Sweet Home, where have you gone? I rush to find you, I'm excited to see you, and you fool me everytime. Your decieving looks. Your advertisements. Everyone talks about your glamor. I run to you and get fooled everytime. I'm elsewhere just wanting to rush home. And i find you broken. Home, where have you gone? Where are your good meals? Your dinners around the table? The utter chaos? But now it's all gone. It's going up for adoption to have another family come in and restore you... hopefully. I wish you the best of luck. | | |
| Serena... knows why she doesn't like home.
suddenly got depressed.
can't lose her stomach.
hurt her feet.
bruised her knees.
likes dance, but is beyond her forte. doesn't feel confident.
got home.
took a shower.
soaked her feet, and misses her Grandpa.
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